As individuals we are simply unaware of how our actions and words can affect another.

I have ripped my blinders off and can see clearly. I no longer wish to shove a square peg into a round hole. I am calling it like I see it. I want to be aware. I want to own my mistakes, my unkind remarks, the slips of my tongue. I am not perfect, and I never want to pretend that I am.

We are all working with years of learned behavior and I am working to shift through my own lessons. I place no blame on anyone as I believe we are all doing the best we can with what we have been given. It is possible to do better and be better, but we need to be willing to look at ourselves, let go of the excuses and take ownership for our behavior.

No more blaming others for our feelings. We have a choice with who gets time in our life and how we show up. We have a built-in moral compass that knows the difference between right and wrong. We also can pay attention to what leaves us feeling good and what doesn’t. Anxiety is a byproduct of mixed emotions, such as loving another yet harboring anger towards that same person. Resolving the internal conflict is step one, we can’t change another person, but we can change ourselves and the dynamics of our relationships.

I am learning I must let certain people go and others are learning they need to let me go. While this is hard it doesn’t equate to being bad or not good enough. I see it as a healthy awakening to pull the right people into my world, so I don’t have to work so hard at being who they need me to be and vice versa.

 There is a connection on a deeper level when the ego has been pushed aside and deep listening and introspection is happening. We can only go as deep with a person as they are willing to go with themselves. If we are feeling down or disappointed in a relationship it is a good time look at our expectations of the other person. Is this person emotionally capable of providing what we need? Some people aren’t willing to wake up and look in the mirror. That’s okay – they just aren’t our people.

Words can be so easily minced and misconstrued. So many things I have said completely innocently and unaware how others have hung onto those words as a personal attack. It feels very limiting and gives me cause to pause and shut down. I am learning people don’t want my opinion or anyone else’s even when they ask for it.

Sometimes people ask for an opinion not because they care what we think rather they are really talking out loud to themselves. People know what is best for them and their comfort level with certain changes or actions in life. Any well-being commentary will only be heard when it correlates to their own thoughts that they are ready and willing to look at. We may be speaking the truth, but if it doesn’t feel like their truth, it won’t be heard, and we may have just closed a door on a friendship.

Sometimes we can’t see our own destructive behavior because it has become our norm, but an outsider can see how we are harming ourselves. It is hard to hear because it feels like a personal stab wound to who we are as a person.

What if the perspective was changed and instead of seeing the remark as a put down, we were able to see it as a giant hug filled with so much love?

We then decide what we want to do with that love. Accept, explore, or dismiss.

Are you willing to look that deep inside yourself? Is the other person willing to go deeper with the conversation? We can’t spout a comment about another to clear our own conscious and then bury our head. If we go in for a hug we must go all in, even when it gets uncomfortable.

I am learning to ask for clarification. I am learning to not assume that others know I mean well. I am working to not be judgmental, because let’s face it we all have judgements that stem from our upbringing and what we consider cultural norms. That doesn’t make us right and another person wrong.

In life you never graduate, you are always learning more about others and about yourself. It is when we pull the hat over our eyes that things get dark and confusing and very lonely. Not everyone we encounter will be willing or even able to have these deep conversations, but don’t give up. Not everyone loves a hug.

If we all keep working towards being better, we can all learn to support one another. It is in trying that we succeed. Try to stay open, listen, step out of judgement and victim mode. I do believe we are all trying to do our best. Some people are farther along on the path.

Honest to a fault isn’t a good thing if people aren’t ready for that. If we want to be honest to a fault, we must start with ourselves. Until we take an honest look at how we show up in the world there is no room or bandwidth to point out another person’s quirks or struggles. We all have quirks and struggles and often what we see in another is something we aren’t willing to look at in ourselves.

Once you cross to the other side of self-reflection tread lightly with another. We are all on our own personal journey and someone else might not be ready for your hug.

More about my journey can be found here.

Are you curious about a Midlife Reset?